• The first man was created out of dust.
• The first woman was pulled from that man’s rib.
• A talking snake deceived the woman, and she got the man to eat some fruit, which caused all people thereafter to be “in sin.”
• They were booted out of a garden and a dude with a light-saber kept them from going back.
• The two people then had children, and one killed the other. The dead one’s blood then started to “cry out” from the ground.
• Later, angels came down and mated with women, thus producing massive giants.
• Through the evil of the angels and subsequent hybrid offspring, the world became totally corrupt and violent, so God wiped out everything except a small population of people , birds, reptiles and animals, who all fit into an ark.
• Sometime after the Flood, lots of people got together in a valley to build a tower to “reach into heaven”, so God jacked up their languages.
• A dude was chosen to become the “father of many nations” – even though he was 100 years old and had yet to produce one child with a woman who was almost just as old as he was.
• His nephew’s wife was turned into a salt pillar, when she looked back to see their former place of residence being obliterated by fiery hailstones.
• The old man eventually did have a son who had a bunch of kids, and their offspring would later end up becoming slaves in Egypt, but God rescued them because they killed an animal and smeared its blood on their door posts.
• They were then led by a pillar of fire out to a sea, which was split open for them and they walked through it.
• After walking through the sea, they went to a mountain and got some stones upon which God Himself wrote 10 simple “rules” for living Godly lives in relationship with Him.
• Then after wandering around for 40 years (due to disobedience and lack of faith), being fed by something they called “what is it?” that would always just show up for them to collect and eat, and drinking from water that burst out of a rock, which was struck by a stick, the next generation eventually got to go into the “Promised Land.”
• Meanwhile, a dude with a talking donkey is hired to try and curse them, but he fails.
• Once in this land, they would march around a high-walled city, then blow horns that were cut off of animal heads… and the walls of that city suddenly came crumbling down.
• Then they fought and killed a bunch of giants.
• Eventually we read about…
  • a man commanding the sun and moon to stand still – and they did!
  • a dude would wipe out an entire army with the jawbone of an ass.
  • an ax head that floated.
  • another dude who jumped into a chariot and flew away.
  • the sun going backward for some other dudes.
  • guys getting thrown into a fiery furnace, but not burning.
  • a man being put among hungry lions, who don’t mind his company and leave him alone.
  • a disobedient prophet changes his mind after spending 3 days and 3 nights inside a fish.
• A Savior then shows up (having been born of a virgin) and He…
  • turns water into wine.
  • walks on water.
  • feeds thousands of people with a few loaves and fishes.
  • cures the blind, heals the lame and even raises people from the dead.
  • gets murdered in the most brutal fashion imaginable, but then raises from the dead 3 days later.
  • flies up into the sky with a promise to return.
• His followers later do some pretty wild stuff too:
  • One guy’s shadow heals people.
  • another man transports from one location to another.
  • still another passed out cloth that had touched his body and people got healed.
• Believers in this Savior eagerly await His return, when He comes down from the clouds, riding on a flying horse, followed by a ton of others doing the same.
• When He comes back, He wipes out His enemies with a sword coming from His mouth.
• ALL THE STARS in the sky then come falling down to Earth as the Heavens get torched and roll up like a scroll.
• A massively huge city then comes floating down from the sky and we who believe in this Savior all live happily ever after.

– Rob Skiba